Jul 29 2015

Two years on…

Posted by Jenelle in Little Joey / Leave a Comment

It has been two years since the worst day of our lives.

I can still remember vivid things. The darkness of the ultrasound room. The heels clicking of the ‘doctor’ who gave us Josephine’s diagnosis. The heat outside. The cab ride home. My blue and white striped top I was wearing. The feeling that someone was literally standing on my chest. The way my eyes were hurting from crying so much. Laying on the couch at 6.30pm, calling Australia to tell mum and dad what was wrong. Bill’s voice that had a sense of defeat when calling his mom and dad. The heaves between tears. Shaking as I was reading page after page on my laptop of ‘Ethical issues when dealing with Anencephaly’ and learning everything that we needed to know about what Josephine was going through. I remember feeling the apartment basically swallow Bill and I up as we hopped into bed that night. I remember just crying in the dark while the air conditioner hum stifled my sobs.

Looking back it was like a slow motion building collapse. Just the heaviness in my body – that was a feeling I can never shake and if I place myself back to that day – I really can feel it again. It is like everything is aching in so much pain that the thought of even standing, makes you want to collapse.

I think that feeling was my heart breaking and I was feeling each and every shatter.

Then, the aftermath of it all. Waking up the next day after maybe two hours of sleep and wondering if it was all a dream. Then realizing it wasn’t. I remember looking at myself in the mirror the next morning and seeing my eyes so puffy, my skin so blotchy and thinking nothing will ever be the same or get better.

It was half true – life was and will never be the same. But life did get better.

I have opened up a whole section on my blog dedicated to Josephine. I have done this for a few reasons but mainly for those who get home after the same diagnosis and are looking for every single bit of information to help support them while carrying to term and also to help educate those that see no worth in the life of babies like our Josephine. Josephine, our daughter and Josephine, Francis’ big sister.